So let’s talk about sex…….
There is so much myth and mystery surrounding sex and intimacy that the real truth gets buried. This often leaves men and women feeling inadequate or abnormal.
Every time I see a movie which shows a women having an orgasm within 10 seconds of stimulation I want to scream. (and not in that good way :0) Really……most women are NOT wired this way. Men get the idea that they are doing something wrong and women feel pressured to feel something they are not in order to “feel normal”.
So let’s start with some basics:
1) Sexual expression if a normal and healthy part of human behavior.
2) Health Care Providers are not effective in speaking with their patients about sexuality.
3) Men and Women have different sexual response cycles.
4) Arousal and Desire are NOT the same thing.
Now that we have the bullet points, let me explain some biologic basics.
Men usually progress through progressive and sequential phases of sexual response. (as described by Masters and Johnson’s, Human Sexual Response). This means that first they feel desire, which stimulates excitement (arousal) which results in plateau of good feelings and then ultimately orgasm and resolution. Seems pretty simple.
Women, on the other hand, are much more complex (DUH).
Women exhibit a circular response which can either start with desire, sexual neutrality or arousal. Early in a relationship it is more likely that a women will experience the desire for sex and may often initiate sex. However, as the women proceeds into a long term relationship, she moves into sexual neutrality: where a women is receptive to being sexual but does not initiate activity. The desire for intimacy prompts her to seek ways to become sexually aroused via other stimuli, such as music, candles, erotic materials etc.
Once she is aroused, then the desire kicks in, leading to intimacy and/or orgasm. This assumes that the goal for sexual activity is not necessarily orgasm but rather personal satisfaction which can either be physical and/or emotional connection. WOW…..
So the bottom line is men start with desire which proceeds to arousal and women need arousal to proceed to desire. What a Heterosexual Dilemma.
So men….those massages and flowers do work. Women need to feel sexy before they become sexy.
More info about this topic can be accessed via www.arhp.org
On the next post, I will review the so called norms in sexual excitement and orgasm.